the facts and fictions of growing up
*note: i didn't realize how personal and lengthy this was going to be, but it ended up that way anyways. sorry / forewarning
for all the reasons i can't relate to Britney Spears (pop-stardom, losing virginity at sixteen, getting drunkenly married in Vegas, having two kids, going through a financially nasty divorce, pretty much having a monopoly over tabloid cover space, shaving my head, etc), she does have this one song that i really resonate with: "i'm not a girl, not yet a woman." i'm inclined to say i'm joking or being sarcastic or cynical, because i don't want to align with Britney Spears about something i'm trying to make a serious connection with. the point is, it's unfortunate i have to quote Britney Spears for those lines instead of someone great and timeless like Virgil. the other point is, i have to quote those lines.
i'm in my second year of an undergrad education; i'm going to turn twenty here in a month or so. i know i legally became an adult when i turned eighteen, but i'm not sure that i've ever come fully into the reality of adulthood (which is to say: i know i voted, but i'm not sure they should have let me).
through some simple family dynamics and planning things like the summer or the next year or so, i've had to do a lot of thinking about where i stand. i know i'm a person, but "kids are people too." i've been fidgeting around these lines between kidhood and adulthood. through the structure of neutral things like finances, vehicles, and activity decisions, i've found myself dealing emotionally with things like attitude and gratitude. am i really an adult if i don't have my name on a vehicle and i'm not paying insurance for it? am i really an adult if my parents are paying for school, even if i know i'm going to pay them back later? is knowing i'm going to pay them back active responsibility, or do i still not have any responsibility until i actually pay them back? does responsibility equate with adulthood? is adulthood when we take complete responsibility in all areas? does that mean i am an adult in some areas and not in others? are we ever really adults?
in thinking about it, i have decided that i'm not really at a point of true adulthood until i actively take responsibility. i am still dependent, financially if not completely legally, on my parents, and so i just don't think i'm officially an adult yet. even if the government says i'm 18 and therefore taxable, they're still really taxing my parents, based on the way things work around here. i'm pretty sure. and this all might be because of family dynamics - i can't say i can't take my money and run, but i know that i wouldn't. i will be a kid, however, until i do. i will be a kid until i pay insurance, and i will be a kid until i pay off my school loans.
journalist Syndey J. Harris had an intriguing comment that affected how i think about all this:
We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until we move from the passive voice to the active voice - that is, until we have stopped saying 'It got lost,' and say, 'I lost it.'
as far as attitude goes, then, i am an adult when i take active responsibility for my actions. financially, i can say i'm not an adult, because i'm still not saying "i paid for it." but perhaps in other ways, i am getting there. i will admit to a feeling of restlessness - it's difficult to be in a middle ground, especially for an all-or-nothing sort of person. it's like this with a lot of things, though, like dating (you can't quite claim complete commitment but at the same time you have to give some level of commitment) or teaching (you can't completely punish some things about the kids, but at the same time, you have got to get them under enough control to have them listen and learn) or even being a friend (you can offer your opinion or advice, but you have to remember that, at the end of the day, they're going to do what they want). so what we can learn, in the meantime and the midst of growing up, is to always act in a way of love.
mostly, i think that loving involves learning. with my parents, i'm learning to be responsible with the things they leave for me to do, and respectful with the things they still do for me, without stepping on any toes or feelings. in my relationship, i'm learning how to grow with someone in conflict while still being my own person and still letting them be theirs. in my teaching (i'm not like a full time teacher or anything, let's get this out of the way; i teach a few after school art classes for this franchise called KidzArt, and it is probably the greatest job in the world), i'm learning when to give the kids time to act the age they are and when to challenge them to act a little older and how to exchange respect with them at all times. in my friendships, i am learning how to say what i think without breaking trust or hurting feelings, and to not let my trust or feelings be hurt when they say or do what they think. in all these situations, there is room for forgiveness, grace, and genuine enthusiastic affection.
so i am still learning, and i am not quite an adult. which is sweet because i have more time to make this childlike faith thing a habit. in mark 10:14-15, Christ says: "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." i don't intend to write something in the tone of "oh no, if you are an adult your time is past," but rather along the lines of "look how we can all learn from childhood, regardless of our place in the growing-up spectrum." i don't think that childhood is necessarily just a phase based on age, or that it's just lucky that we get to be kids for a time to act like this; i do think that there is something in a kid that really gets what it means to just love. childhood is not something we abandon when we become adults, but rather, a "reference tool," if you will, something we can revert to to remember how to love. in the gospel account of Christ with the children, Christ tells us that those who receive the kingdom of God like a little child will enter it. this is metaphorical. we don't have to actually be a little child, but, rather, be like one. and thanks to the fact that we were, at one point, a child, we know, somewhere in us, how to do that.
the kids in my KidzArt classes have demonstrated this for me, recently. it doesn't matter how crazy they are, or what mean things they say to me in their moments of frustration, or what they break or who they tattle on, they will still run up to me at full speed ("MISS MELISSAAAAA!") and hug me like... i don't know like what, but i've never known that creatures this little could exert such force. it's confusing. i'm thinking, "how can you greet me like this when you were just jumping off a chair and yelling about how you hate art?" but they're thinking, "lovelovelovelovelove" (some crazy combination of giving and taking it). it doesn't matter how rude they are in class, or how bad a day they had, they get what it means to throw all that aside and love really simply and purely, even if it's just for a minute.
i read, on the reccommendation of a friend, J.D. Salinger's Franny and Zooey (i know! he wrote something besides Catcher in the Rye?! no way!) at the beginning of this week. it's about, more or less, the specifics of a disfunctional family. largely present in the short novel is the theme of maturity through intellect and education and experience in contrast to how beneficial those things are to the characters. at one point, the mother, exasperated in the middle of an argument with her son (Zooey), says,
"I just don't know any more what's happened to all you children... In the old radio days, when you were all little and all, you all used to be so - smart and happy and - just lovely. Morning, noon, and night. I don't know what good it is to know so much and be as smart as whips and all if it doesn't make you happy. At least, you all used to be so sweet and loving to each other it was a joy to see. Just a joy."
this sentiment mirrors the confusion i have with the KidzArt kids - they are just joys when they're not letting their frustrations get the better of them (there is room here for a discussion on how today's society causes our kids to mature too quickly and be less happy early on, but only in theory and not in this blog post). this passage also helps me personally understand where to categorize and prioritize new knowledge and information and education. i find myself in that in-between-kid-and-adult frustration because i am growing in some areas (like education, knowledge etc), but not necessarily in others (bank account size, financial independency, etc). somewhere i adopt the impetus to mix the adult-ness i am getting in some areas with the kid-ness i still have in other areas, and this leaves me frustrated, upset, stressed, unnecessarily panicked, and unhappy.
if i can instead adopt an awareness of how growing up works, i can locate which areas i am "adult" and which areas i am still "kid," and, having those in order, act, like the children to Christ, "sweet and loving" in all of them. i don't want to have been "just a joy" when i was a kid; i want to be "just a joy" now, and i want to be "just a joy" when i'm all grown up. i want to be "just a joy" even though i have papers and finals and conferences and relationships and all these things weighing on me. i want to love like a child even when i have responsibility as an adult.
not a girl, not yet a woman, but always a child of God.
... terribly cheesy, terribly true.
for all the reasons i can't relate to Britney Spears (pop-stardom, losing virginity at sixteen, getting drunkenly married in Vegas, having two kids, going through a financially nasty divorce, pretty much having a monopoly over tabloid cover space, shaving my head, etc), she does have this one song that i really resonate with: "i'm not a girl, not yet a woman." i'm inclined to say i'm joking or being sarcastic or cynical, because i don't want to align with Britney Spears about something i'm trying to make a serious connection with. the point is, it's unfortunate i have to quote Britney Spears for those lines instead of someone great and timeless like Virgil. the other point is, i have to quote those lines.
i'm in my second year of an undergrad education; i'm going to turn twenty here in a month or so. i know i legally became an adult when i turned eighteen, but i'm not sure that i've ever come fully into the reality of adulthood (which is to say: i know i voted, but i'm not sure they should have let me).
through some simple family dynamics and planning things like the summer or the next year or so, i've had to do a lot of thinking about where i stand. i know i'm a person, but "kids are people too." i've been fidgeting around these lines between kidhood and adulthood. through the structure of neutral things like finances, vehicles, and activity decisions, i've found myself dealing emotionally with things like attitude and gratitude. am i really an adult if i don't have my name on a vehicle and i'm not paying insurance for it? am i really an adult if my parents are paying for school, even if i know i'm going to pay them back later? is knowing i'm going to pay them back active responsibility, or do i still not have any responsibility until i actually pay them back? does responsibility equate with adulthood? is adulthood when we take complete responsibility in all areas? does that mean i am an adult in some areas and not in others? are we ever really adults?
in thinking about it, i have decided that i'm not really at a point of true adulthood until i actively take responsibility. i am still dependent, financially if not completely legally, on my parents, and so i just don't think i'm officially an adult yet. even if the government says i'm 18 and therefore taxable, they're still really taxing my parents, based on the way things work around here. i'm pretty sure. and this all might be because of family dynamics - i can't say i can't take my money and run, but i know that i wouldn't. i will be a kid, however, until i do. i will be a kid until i pay insurance, and i will be a kid until i pay off my school loans.
journalist Syndey J. Harris had an intriguing comment that affected how i think about all this:
We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until we move from the passive voice to the active voice - that is, until we have stopped saying 'It got lost,' and say, 'I lost it.'
as far as attitude goes, then, i am an adult when i take active responsibility for my actions. financially, i can say i'm not an adult, because i'm still not saying "i paid for it." but perhaps in other ways, i am getting there. i will admit to a feeling of restlessness - it's difficult to be in a middle ground, especially for an all-or-nothing sort of person. it's like this with a lot of things, though, like dating (you can't quite claim complete commitment but at the same time you have to give some level of commitment) or teaching (you can't completely punish some things about the kids, but at the same time, you have got to get them under enough control to have them listen and learn) or even being a friend (you can offer your opinion or advice, but you have to remember that, at the end of the day, they're going to do what they want). so what we can learn, in the meantime and the midst of growing up, is to always act in a way of love.
mostly, i think that loving involves learning. with my parents, i'm learning to be responsible with the things they leave for me to do, and respectful with the things they still do for me, without stepping on any toes or feelings. in my relationship, i'm learning how to grow with someone in conflict while still being my own person and still letting them be theirs. in my teaching (i'm not like a full time teacher or anything, let's get this out of the way; i teach a few after school art classes for this franchise called KidzArt, and it is probably the greatest job in the world), i'm learning when to give the kids time to act the age they are and when to challenge them to act a little older and how to exchange respect with them at all times. in my friendships, i am learning how to say what i think without breaking trust or hurting feelings, and to not let my trust or feelings be hurt when they say or do what they think. in all these situations, there is room for forgiveness, grace, and genuine enthusiastic affection.
so i am still learning, and i am not quite an adult. which is sweet because i have more time to make this childlike faith thing a habit. in mark 10:14-15, Christ says: "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." i don't intend to write something in the tone of "oh no, if you are an adult your time is past," but rather along the lines of "look how we can all learn from childhood, regardless of our place in the growing-up spectrum." i don't think that childhood is necessarily just a phase based on age, or that it's just lucky that we get to be kids for a time to act like this; i do think that there is something in a kid that really gets what it means to just love. childhood is not something we abandon when we become adults, but rather, a "reference tool," if you will, something we can revert to to remember how to love. in the gospel account of Christ with the children, Christ tells us that those who receive the kingdom of God like a little child will enter it. this is metaphorical. we don't have to actually be a little child, but, rather, be like one. and thanks to the fact that we were, at one point, a child, we know, somewhere in us, how to do that.
the kids in my KidzArt classes have demonstrated this for me, recently. it doesn't matter how crazy they are, or what mean things they say to me in their moments of frustration, or what they break or who they tattle on, they will still run up to me at full speed ("MISS MELISSAAAAA!") and hug me like... i don't know like what, but i've never known that creatures this little could exert such force. it's confusing. i'm thinking, "how can you greet me like this when you were just jumping off a chair and yelling about how you hate art?" but they're thinking, "lovelovelovelovelove" (some crazy combination of giving and taking it). it doesn't matter how rude they are in class, or how bad a day they had, they get what it means to throw all that aside and love really simply and purely, even if it's just for a minute.
i read, on the reccommendation of a friend, J.D. Salinger's Franny and Zooey (i know! he wrote something besides Catcher in the Rye?! no way!) at the beginning of this week. it's about, more or less, the specifics of a disfunctional family. largely present in the short novel is the theme of maturity through intellect and education and experience in contrast to how beneficial those things are to the characters. at one point, the mother, exasperated in the middle of an argument with her son (Zooey), says,
"I just don't know any more what's happened to all you children... In the old radio days, when you were all little and all, you all used to be so - smart and happy and - just lovely. Morning, noon, and night. I don't know what good it is to know so much and be as smart as whips and all if it doesn't make you happy. At least, you all used to be so sweet and loving to each other it was a joy to see. Just a joy."
this sentiment mirrors the confusion i have with the KidzArt kids - they are just joys when they're not letting their frustrations get the better of them (there is room here for a discussion on how today's society causes our kids to mature too quickly and be less happy early on, but only in theory and not in this blog post). this passage also helps me personally understand where to categorize and prioritize new knowledge and information and education. i find myself in that in-between-kid-and-adult frustration because i am growing in some areas (like education, knowledge etc), but not necessarily in others (bank account size, financial independency, etc). somewhere i adopt the impetus to mix the adult-ness i am getting in some areas with the kid-ness i still have in other areas, and this leaves me frustrated, upset, stressed, unnecessarily panicked, and unhappy.
if i can instead adopt an awareness of how growing up works, i can locate which areas i am "adult" and which areas i am still "kid," and, having those in order, act, like the children to Christ, "sweet and loving" in all of them. i don't want to have been "just a joy" when i was a kid; i want to be "just a joy" now, and i want to be "just a joy" when i'm all grown up. i want to be "just a joy" even though i have papers and finals and conferences and relationships and all these things weighing on me. i want to love like a child even when i have responsibility as an adult.
not a girl, not yet a woman, but always a child of God.
... terribly cheesy, terribly true.
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